Shadow Self Transformation by Jeannine H.

Jeannine's shadow mask burned in ritual

A few years ago while taking Tai Chi and Qigong classes, I started sensing energy. At first I felt a slight buzzing when doing the poses which caused me to lose my place in the sequence. Over time the sensations changed and grew. They would start as a tingling in my feet then vibrate stronger, moving through my trunk and leave through the top of my head. Eventually the nice “champagne bubble” sensations changed to sensations that started in my feet, flooded to my stomach, agitated with great intensity, and then passed through my torso causing my body to shake and vibrate.  The intensity of the vibrations would cause my arms to fly up. Finally, I felt the energy escape out the top of my head. I called this energetic experience “my crazy”.  
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My sensei instructed me to ground, focus on my lower dantian, which I desperately tried to do. But the more I tried to stifle the sensations, the more they increased in intensity. I had no idea what I was experiencing until I was in a workshop with several new people and my sensei said to the class - “Don’t mind her. She is sensitive to energy, that's just kundalini.” I remember thinking kunda-what?   

Ultimately, I left my mentor, googled kundalini and wound up leaving a note with my phone number in between the doors of the old Montclair Kundalini Yoga studio. I wanted to talk to someone about what I was experiencing before going to class and make sure I would be in a safe environment.  Andy called me and assured me I would be welcomed and encouraged me to come to class.  I remember being so nervous during the first class and as the class progressed the sensations caused my body to vibrate and my arms to move involuntarily, I apologized “Sorry, sorry,” and Cate said “It's okay, no need to apologize”.  Total acceptance!  Cate and Savitri beautifully guided us through the kriyas and embodied Sat Nam.  While attending kundalini yoga classes, I’ve experienced some very intense sensations and emotions.  Chris Nolan has been a lifesaver helping me to ground.  

When experiencing these sensations and emotions, I’ve felt nothing but acceptance and compassion from everyone, except from myself. When I felt the intense churning in my stomach, I did everything I could think of to quell the sensations. I have been trying to control and wrestle with these sensations for quite a while now and have been searching for a way to “manage” them. 

Lately, I have been taking shamanic classes where we are exploring the many “masks” we wear to fit in and acquiesce to familial and societal pressures.  The class is about attempting to remove our “masks”  and become more authentically ourselves.  We created physical masks to hold the part of ourselves that we have exiled in order to be accepted. I have been working on a part of myself I put into shadow.  

Recently I had a clearing and asked what these sensations wanted and I heard the word “acceptance”.  During these shamanic classes people speak of great emotional releases, I have had some subtle emotional clearings, but nothing significant.  So before going to sleep I asked an ancient archetypal energy, “What step do I need to take in order to transform this shadow self from an enemy into an ally?”  When I woke up I received the message to wear my mask in a Montclair Kundalini Yoga class!?! Upon receiving this message, I said a few expletives, felt a queasiness in my stomach and a tightening in my throat.  I felt like throwing up, but I knew this aspect of me that I pushed into the shadows to survive, needed to be seen and heard and I knew that the Montclair Kundalini Yoga community would be a compassionate environment. 

Although I would have preferred to attempt to transform this part of me in a private session with Chris, I was guided to take action in class. When I approached Cate and Savitiri with the information and a request to attempt to accept my shadow self in their class, they were accommodating, compassionate and supportive and even changed the theme of the class to be “Shadow Self” with quotes from Carl Jung, music about acceptance, and encouraged the class to accept their inner shadow selves. Unbelievable compassionate support!  They asked me to discuss what I was attempting to do by wearing my mask in class so I shared my journey with the class.  Everyone was very understanding and accepting.
 
I felt very vulnerable. I didn’t know what would happen. I opened myself to the unknown and surrendered myself for healing. I brought a pail just in case I threw up.  But with the support of everyone in that class and more, I wore my shadow self mask and did my best to be accepting and curious of the energy which I had been pushing down, judging and trying to suppress for so long. When the energy entered I welcomed it and tried my best to be curious. It felt so different, slower, more full bodied, joyful and expansive yet it never left my boundary. During the sound healing I felt an energetic cracking in the center of my chest. 

At the end of class when speaking with Savitri and Cate, I realized that I had been trying to “fix” this aspect of myself for so long and all it wanted was acceptance.  I want to extend my heartfelt gratitude to Cate, Savitiri, Chris, Andy and all the members of the Montclair Kundalini Yoga community, who create a sacred place of healing, growth, compassion and acceptance.  Thank you for being so accommodating, accepting and supportive. To quote Cate “Finding our way … together”.  Sat Nam.

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