I read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle while on vacation in Las Vegas. That time spent in 'Sin City' remains one of my most revelatory experiences because of that diamond-mind book. And to know that so many others have read it around the world continues to give me hope and faith in our collective future.
Among so many explorations in The Power of Now, Eckart explains how thoughts trigger emotions and emotions introduce tension patterns in the body. Depending on the intensity and quality of the thoughts, this tension can solidify into blockages and pain in the body over time. I can see this in myself every day as my mind hungrily consumes endless information through excessive screen time, the blessing AND plague of our age. The mind often seems insatiable, and even though exhausted, it can't seem to settle down and stop consuming long enough to let go and rest. Awake at 3:00 in the morning last night, I was able to get just enough space to watch my mind, emotions and body. My main fascination in this lifetime is endlessly researching natural health practices and cures. As I indulged to satisfy that craving, my thoughts stimulated emotions, emotions elicited tense holding patterns in the body, rinse and repeat in an addictive cycle. As I listened to a video online about miraculous healings, (and of course grave illness is the other side of that same coin), my heart bled for each person's story of dis-ease, then a hit of exhilaration came as the person began to heal (or not). My mind and body, in an arc of intense emotion, internalized the person's healing journey with great curiosity. Nothing wrong with that, I'm learning a lot, but it is 3:00am in the damn morning and I have to work the next day! By 4:00am, My body had reacted to the thought and emotion cycle again and again. The muscles and tendons of my belly were contracted in fear, joy and either exaltation or plummeting dejection, depending on the outcome of each story. After several hours of this, my body was in knots and I wondered if I would ever fall back asleep again before the alarm started to ring. I knew I should just stop, sit up tall and meditate, clear my mind and give myself a chance to sleep, but I couldn't seem to tear myself away. Meditation is good medication because it is a true antidote. But my churning mind, like a child up way past her bedtime, just wouldn't stop its endless addictive cycle and continued to fend off what the older, greater and wiser self knew was best. 'You ARE wearing blue blocker glassses' My mind says! 'And the next healing story you watch could be the knowledge you need to help someone', she says. The mind rationalized endlessly. while my deeper self recognized the addiction with compassion. The mind is to be respected for all it does for us; without it, we couldn't be here. The mind comes with the computer-like brain that integrates with our soul's purpose and all the other elaborate components and facilities we come into this reality with - all brilliant and necessary parts of this experience on Earth. So disrespectfully calling my mind 'Monkey Mind' is not helpful either. I was finally able to override the addictive and insistent cycle, sit up straight in my bed, play some spiritual music, and urge my mind to quiet down. Like a very stern parent, I knew that was just the way it had to be. My mind kept trying to move curiously from story to story, but I just kept drawing it back to the quietude again and again. 'Looking' at my restless mind as if it were a younger part of myself, even if just a psychological device, is always very helpful. The restless, childlike mind was finally able to start letting go of its obsessions. Once the mind started to settle down, my whole being felt a blissful relief sweep over as I entered the formless field. Once my mind tasted the bliss, it wondered for the millionth time why it always fights so hard against it. As I slipped deeper and deeper into the expansive awareness, the tireless seeking and movement of the mind finally ceased. 'I' could finally look out through the eyes of my soul, 'I' was no longer drowned out by the endless thoughts. My whole unified being reveled in breathing the familiar and nurturing air of freedom; the atmosphere of my true home; beyond change and suffering, beyond thought and emotion, beyond even birth and death. The body also progressively let go of its contractive knots and after a long luxurious bath in the stillness, the sleep train finally came to carry me away.
0 Comments
![]() One of the things I love most about MKY is our community -- no, make that family. We are blessed to have so many wonderful members. And we make a point of fortifying our connection by allowing time and space for sharing. We do this so that each of us can remember and feel that none of us is alone. On Monday nights in my free online Meditation classes, students are invited to share with each other about their experience after each meditation. We get to hear about the aha moments and how the mind sometimes won't settle down. Whether it's a deep beautiful moment or an imperfect attempt, we share with each other about the journey of meditation. On Thursday nights in Cate's Release the Stress of the Day online classes, we share what's weighing on us. We listen to each other and unburden ourselves. At our Full Moon Events (most often led by Savitri and Cate), we share what we are ready to let go of. It always warms my heart to hear what our members share. Open and honest with no judgment. We hold space. We do not criticize or offer advice. You realize that whatever you are going through, you are not alone. Years ago, I was in group therapy for 6 months (more on that in a future blog) and the most powerful thing I took away from that was that again, I was not alone. As bad a time that I was going through, other people had struggles too. I was not alone. Sharing in all these experiences, I believe is such a powerful tool to help people heal. In closing, I strongly encourage you to join our family and to be brave and share what you need to share, feel the support of a compassionate community and know that you are not alone. Pain is an experience we instinctually avoid. It’s a primal communication from the body signaling something is wrong. And it’s for this very reason we need to display compassion toward our pain, sit with it, and ask about it with an open heart. Distraction and disassociation may buy us time away from pain, but truly understanding it is the only way to address it thoroughly. Kundalini Yoga is a practice for self-awareness and self-acceptance. The breathwork and kriyas encourage us to notice ourselves, our feelings, our sensations, and experience. Breathwork yoga suspends us from the instinctual panic and, in that suspension, we may gain insight to our present condition.
In the nursing model, clinicians are taught the PQRST assessment tool to help gain insight to the nature of the pain. These are questions you may ask yourself and may also help to more effectively communicate with your provider of choice -- be it a doctor, acupuncturist, chiropractor, etc. P = Provocation: When did this pain start? Was it sudden or oncoming for a while? What seems to agitate the pain? And what makes it feel better? Q = Quality: How would you describe the pain? Sharp, aching, throbbing, stinging, dull? R = Region: Where is the pain located? Does it feel like it’s radiating out or extending to another part of the body? S = Severity: How bearable or unbearable is the pain? On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt, how would you rate it? T = Timing: What were you doing when the pain began? Does it come and go? Is this the first time you’ve felt this pain? Once you can answer these questions, you’ll be more clued into the nature of your pain and thus can make informed choices on how you wish to address it. Kundalini yoga is a self-love practice which encourages mindful awareness. Compassionately opening your mind to what ails you without judgment or blame is a big part of yoga. We hope these tools prove useful to assist you with connecting to your highest self. ----About the Author, Amanda Sobreyra RN BSN: Yoga first became part of my life in 2014 when I pursued the wisdom in Ashtanga yoga. For self mastery, tending to the body is just as vital as tending to the matters of the heart and mind. I knew if I wanted to change the world around me, first I had to change myself. Yoga is a framework that allows people to experience themselves differently. I started with Kundalini Yoga in 2019 and am so privileged to be a part of the community. I became a seeker of knowledge and self mastery as a youngster. I always sought truth by experiencing it directly. Mythologies from across the world provide me another framework lens to see into human psychology, culture, and core values that lend to destiny. I remain open to different frameworks, perspectives, ideas, and practices which support the relationship with the highest version of self. Self-empowerment means many things. It can be seen as the conscious decision to take charge of our destiny by making positive choices that help us advance with confidence. Our ability to make and execute decisions is central to self-empowerment and has been a major theme in my own life. I’ve struggled many times with deciding which road to follow, which job to take, who to spend my time with and more. I’m still learning, Thank God.
Once we are able to assess and move through life with decisiveness, we can better come to understand and leverage our strengths and weaknesses in a way that brings happiness and satisfaction, through our interactions with others and our contributions to the world. Self-empowerment also involves the gradual gathering and harnessing of personal power, via constant and thorough systems analysis, so that we can understand where we are losing power. Perhaps we lose power through our inability to stand up for ourselves, or we are afflicted with anger or self-importance or the desire to be liked and accepted; the list goes on and on. Once seen, we get busy and ‘plug up the holes’ so that we can accumulate the personal power that allows us to recognize and grasp those millimeters of chance; those opportunities that allow us to really make major transits in consciousness. My journey of self-empowerment, like most, has been wrought with "mistakes". My parents were the first to teach me that my mistakes were actually learning opportunities. We pull ourselves up and integrate the lessons we’ve learned don’t we. I’ve chosen the wrong boyfriends, made wrong job choices, wrong associations in general, but they were all right in a way too. Learning from my mistakes helped me hone my internal navigations system, which informs all my future thoughts, actions and goals. Holding on to shame and guilt around mistakes is fruitless and only hampers our progress. I believe that reframing our mistakes as learning opportunities, and not raking ourselves over the coals or taking ourselves too seriously, is a vital key to self-empowerment. I've noticed throughout my life that the most self-empowered people, like my own mother and father, hold out sterling examples for their loved ones, their family and their whole community. My parents created a foundation to build upon each time they took control of their lives by setting goals and taking actionable steps to achieve them. They shared this process with us and we often voted on important directional changes in ‘family counsels’, where we sat in a circle in the living room, often with favorite music playing softly from the stereo, and we discussed our way forward as a family. I watched as our decisive and well thought out choices benefitted our whole family and helped shape our future in a very tangible way. Mom and Dad understood how to design and intend their life projects; from which trees and flowers and herbs to plant, to which clubs to join, which classes to take, what books to read, what medicines we should take or not to take, to what decisions their kids should have a say in. They showed us how to get things done in a confident, focused, and decisive way. And when things didn’t go their way, or they were forced to reassess and learn from their mistakes, they had the resilient confidence to express abundant reassurance to friends and family, which made for a safe and secure home base. They also had a sense of humor, without fear. I will always remain grateful that they pointed out, through example, the value of viewing one’s mistakes as lessons to be well learned. Something else we learn from those we look up to is the importance of self care and a positive attitude. If we can surround ourselves with positive, like-minded, motivated people, they can help us feel much more empowered to achieve our goals. When our self-esteem gets knocked down, we can talk with positive friends, peers, and family members. Experiencing their positivity can improve our mental well-being and minimize our own negativity. My parents had an open door policy and any of us kids could come into their room at any time of night and just talk about what was on our heart. I probably did it far too often. Mom was an especially light sleeper and always greeted me warmly and seemed ready to listen and offer positive reassurance and advice. Mostly though, she just listened and held me in the light. And that’s what we always look forward to doing together with you; listening and holding each other in the light. Gathering with our MKY community and sharing on a regular basis helps empower all of us to discern when we need to step back from certain situations and go forward toward others so that we can follow and materialize our dreams. For the July full moon celebration next Wednesday, July 13th, Cate and I will explore this important topic of Self-Empowerment. We will examine our self care routines, our positive attitudes, our true passion to follow our bliss and our level of self-trust. We will examine the company we keep. We will touch on practical goal setting and sacred contracts with ourselves. We will strategize on how to take charge of our future. We will examine where our self-confidence is shaky or where we are insecure about our ability to achieve our ambitions. Together, we will begin to take steps toward a more empowered life, where we better control what is in our ability to control and how we can better abide in acceptance through those parts of our life that are not within our control. In this way, we can better recognize our own power to make the choices that will help us achieve our goals and attain peace, happiness and satisfaction on all levels. Concluding with our long gong bath will open the door to our soul, to turbo charge our hopes and dreams. Ultimately, the principles of self-empowerment guide our journey to enlightenment. The lifelong process of choices, in which, choice by choice, we learn strategies for maintaining our highest consciousness, starts with learning to read the signs along the way to personal ascension. The signs are many that have led me to the most important choices I’ve ever made. At the top of my list is my decision to invest in meditation skills, which have served me so well and continue to be of prime importance and integral to my teaching mission. I know Cate feels the same way and we both love to meditate with you. We hope you can join us in-person or online on Wednesday evening July 13th – Sign up here . We so look forward to sharing this time with you. ---- Much Love, Savitri Anatomically, joints are structures in the body where two bones meet. There are 3 basic classifications for joints based on how they move. Fibrous joints are tightly held together with connective tissue and do not move. Examples of fibrous joints are the sutures of the skull and where teeth are secured against the jaw. The second category of joints are the cartilaginous joints. These are slightly movable but have their limits. As the name implies, cartilage is the main tissue present to provide cushion and support to the bones while permitting some movement. Examples include the joints between spinal vertebra. The last category of joint is the synovial joints which truly reap the benefits of yoga.
Synovial joints are unique from the other types as they use fluid to cushion the friction that would damage the bones they protect. This is what allows free movement and full range of movement. Examples of synovial joints include the knees, shoulders, ankles, and wrists. Our joints allow our muscles and bones to move with a gliding motion. Without healthy joints, our bones would grate together causing inflammation (such as arthritis) and pain. Kundalini yoga provides wonderful kriyas to support and prevent joint issues. This is because movement allows the synovial fluid and nutrients to move around in the joint cavity. Cartilage tissue not does have blood vessels to supply nutrients to itself. So the articular cartilage found in synovial joints are nourished by the synovial fluid. By really moving each joint in its full range of motion on a regular basis, the fluid is moved and circulated to remove waste materials and introduce nutrition components such as omega fatty acids to rejuvenate the tissue. With that said, never push an irritated joint into pain or stretch it to its limits. It’s the habitual regularity of gentle, easy motion that refreshes the synovial fluid with nutrition. Circulation, oxygenation, and nutrition are key to joint health and are promoted by yoga’s emphasis on breath work, kriya movement, and mindful eating. ----About the Author, Amanda Sobreyra RN BSN: Yoga first became part of my life in 2014 when I pursued the wisdom in Ashtanga yoga. For self mastery, tending to the body is just as vital as tending to the matters of the heart and mind. I knew if I wanted to change the world around me, first I had to change myself. Yoga is a framework that allows people to experience themselves differently. I started with Kundalini Yoga in 2019 and am so privileged to be a part of the community. I became a seeker of knowledge and self mastery as a youngster. I always sought truth by experiencing it directly. Mythologies from across the world provide me another framework lens to see into human psychology, culture, and core values that lend to destiny. I remain open to different frameworks, perspectives, ideas, and practices which support the relationship with the highest version of self A hormone is simply a chemical that signals change from our body’s organs. There are several different kinds of hormones which communicate to different organs what action the body requires of them. Examples include insulin to control blood sugars and melatonin to induce sleep at night.
The word “kriya” can be translated as action. These actions include the asana (body positioning) and pranayama (breath control). Both asana and pranayama practices can help support the balancing of the body’s hormones. Allow me to briefly explain how. When we move through the asanas (physical positions), we have our body muscles contract and relax to perform the intended movement. Exercising muscle tissue provides assistance to our heart for blood flow. This mechanism is precisely why blood pressure lowers during exercise. Since hormones can travel in the blood stream, the muscle movement assists for better blood flow. With more flow, the blood is better able to bring in nutrition to body cells and remove metabolic waste. This is how hormonal and metabolic processes are balanced. Exercise facilitates breath at the cellular level. Pranayama (breath work) assists us as well. If you feel your body cannot perform strenuous movements, practicing breath control is available to your benefit. Taking long, deep, controlled breaths stimulates the heart in a phenomena called “respiratory sinus arrhythmia”. What happens here is that as the lung full completely with fresh air, the lungs take up extra space in the chest cavity. This gives less space for the blood vessels. The heartbeat then raises its frequency (the heart rate) to give the blood vessels an extra boost to keep the flow to squeeze around the lungs. As the lung deflate, and thus return the extra space, the heart rate lowers and relaxes. Similarly to how muscles can assist the heart in blood flow, deep breathing can also assist the heart as an ancillary pump. This would explain the elevated heart rate felt during “breath to fire”. Kundalini yoga is beloved by the holistic medicine field for its benefits to the whole body as it’s able to target multiple organ systems at once. I hope this essay brings clarity to how Kundalini yoga kriyas can revitalize and balance the body for greater wellness. -----About the Author, Amanda Sobreyra RN BSN: Yoga first became part of my life in 2014 when I pursued the wisdom in Ashtanga yoga. For self mastery, tending to the body is just as vital as tending to the matters of the heart and mind. I knew if I wanted to change the world around me, first I had to change myself. Yoga is a framework that allows people to experience themselves differently. I started with Kundalini Yoga in 2019 and am so privileged to be a part of the community. I became a seeker of knowledge and self mastery as a youngster. I always sought truth by experiencing it directly. Mythologies from across the world provide me another framework lens to see into human psychology, culture, and core values that lend to destiny. I remain open to different frameworks, perspectives, ideas, and practices which support the relationship with the highest version of self I am not a trained meditation teacher, but I have been practicing meditation for over 35 years, so I guess that gives me some credibility. When I started teaching meditation a couple of years ago, my goal was to help people who wanted to learn how to meditate. Many people in that first classes told me “ Oh, I just can’t meditate”. Well after the first class many of them changed their view on meditation and realized that yes, they could meditate.
In each class, we would go over the many scientifically proven benefits. Then we would work on meditation techniques: Breathwork, letting go of thoughts, and just learning the basics. I always stress that this is a practice, not a perfect. No self-judgment. Keep at it, if only for a couple of minutes. As the weeks went on, more and more people came to class. It really caught on. Some of the people in class even got into our yoga practice. It was really great. Then the pandemic hit. So I moved the class online and also offered it for free on Zoom. A few of the regulars who had been coming to class, also came to the online meditation class. Some didn’t. As the weeks turned into months, more and more people started joining us on Zoom. I posted the class on my Temple website with great results. We started to get people from all over the country. One of our students lives in Pittsburgh. My daughter-in-law's parents live in Austin Texas. My daughter-in-law lives in San Francisco. We have had people from Colorado and some even from overseas. As the weeks went by, we had a core group of about 15 people every week. Then an amazing thing happened: We all became friends, and when one misses a class, the others always ask about them. The group is very open and many offer comments on their experience during the meditations. Some see visions of light, others cry, and the group listens and shares with no judgment. It has really turned into something wonderful every Monday night. A few months ago, I started having a theme every week. One of the themes was compassion. Self-love, forgiveness, dealing with grief, living in the now, and many more. The week we did the forgiveness meditation, one of the new students came back the next week and told the group that because of that meditation on forgiveness, she reconnected with her sister who she hadn’t spoken to in ten years Wow! I shared how my own experience with forgiveness let me reconnect with my brother who I hadn't spoken with for nineteen years!! This past Monday, I had what Oprah might call an "ah-ha moment”. I realized that I was teaching so much more than meditation. I was teaching people how to live happier, more fulfilling lives. The lessons from the guided meditations were powerful. I looked back in my mind and I saw the transformation in some of the people, from a hectic stressful life, into a calmer more centered life. I am so humbled by this class and the group of wonderful people who share and care about each other with genuine affection. I must also acknowledge and give thanks to Savitri for being there with us every week, she is also such an important part of our group. I don’t know where this path will lead, but I will continue on Monday nights as long as even one person shows up. Please join us if you like. It’s free and you can see how wonderful Monday nights can be when we come together in this way. ---Andy (Teg) Steinfeld Last week Manush had us go into deep relaxation in child’s pose instead of shivasana, which I found uniquely opening and relaxing. It was particularly effective for a mindful sort of letting go, especially after the more advanced Kriya Manush offered that day, and I noticed how deeply restored I felt afterward. I remember my sister, as a child, spent a lot of time in child's pose, it seemed to soothe her, to make her feel safe and secure, especially after something physically, mentally or emotionally trying. Both adults and children like to relax and recover in child's pose; it is such a natural pose that allows the overworked adrenal gland area to uncontract, stretch open and decompress so we can really rest and renew. Along with being restorative and comforting, I can always feel this pose opening up my gluts, hips, lower back, and really the entire back and shoulders when my arms are stretched forward. All the energy and blood flow is naturally directed to the third eye as the forehead rests on the mat. Let's face it, we need our third eye in today's world, now more than ever, to discern truth so we can form a strategic perspective from which to make the most optimal choices. Child’s pose, or balasana in Sanskrit, is a beginner’s yoga pose designed to relax the mind and body. The Sanskrit word bala, means “young or child-like,” and asana, means “yoga posture.” Child’s pose stretches the whole spine, the hips and thighs and even the ankles. When the arms are in a variation with the arms stretched forward, the wrists, elbows, shoulders and fingers get a profound stretch as well. Yoga mudra, a variation in which the hands are clasped behind the back then raised up as high as possible while in child’s pose, stimulates all the acupuncture meridians in the arms, shoulders and chest, including the all important lung meridian for immune strength. Deep breathing is encouraged in this pose, so whether you’re an experienced yogi or brand new to the practice, it serves to reduce fatigue and anxiety, encourages a tranquil mind, and lets the nervous system relax. The tension relief is profound, especially throughout the quads, hamstrings, chest, shoulder and back and this relaxation radiates out to every other part of the body. Child’s pose increases blood circulation to the head and therefore to the pituitary, thalamus and pineal glands and that’s why it’s included in kriyas for the glands of the head. Because the pituitary gland is considered the master gland, the entire endocrine system also benefits. The increased blood flow to the brain means better memory and mind function, including better communication and comprehension. Who among us can't greatly benefit from that? Child’s pose is famous for improving digestion and elimination because a slight compression of the abdomen stimulates all the abdominal nerves and subtle channels. he legs can be widened to leave room for the belly and deep belly breaths in this pose, which deepens relaxation while activating digestion. We sometimes encourage props in child’s pose if we know someone has had an injury or other challenge, especially to the hip or knee: A rolled towel below your shins, to take the weight off the ankles, or a blanket, pillow, bolster or just your hands beneath your forehead can help the whole body relax. I find that making a pillow for my head with my hands, with closed eyes, consciously relaxing the jaw and the back of the head where it meets the neck, really helps the entire body relax. If you feel pain anywhere in the body, just sit up and take a break. If your hip joints are tight, consider keeping your knees together and lowering your torso on top of your thighs with your arms beside or in front of you. For a more passive pose, let your arms relax behind you, palms up, and rest the torso with your abdomen between your thighs. Use caution when practicing child’s pose if you’ve suffered a knee or hip injury or more recent surgery. As with all yoga poses, you may even want to ask your doctor or physical therapist before trying the pose. Occasionally, when my energy isn't up to par, or if I've been through something especially challenging, I may feel like spending the whole class recovering in Child's pose, and the beautiful thing about Kundalini Yoga is (if I'm not teaching) I will do just that! I know and feel that I am still benefitting from the inspiration and aspiration of everyone else I'm practicing with. In every class, we encourage each other to honor our mind, body and spirit, to be mindful of what you need right now, just as we are. We are together, not only to challenge each other, but to support and nurture each other with understanding and compassion. That's what I love most about Montclair Kundalini Yoga. Sending Love to all! I am delving deeply into my Chi Gung practice with renewed vigor these days, studying with the legendary Tai Chi and Chi Gung master Robert Chuckrow, who happens to be a member of Cate’s extended family. Cate called me one fine day, “You have to meet Robert!”. And it has been a cascade of blessings ever since. I actually met Robert at the Tai Chi Farm festival in upstate New York many years ago, where he autographed one of his earlier books for me. Robert is the author of ‘Tai Chi Walking: A Low-Impact Path to Better Health, The Tai Chi Book, Tai Chi Dynamics and his latest masterpiece, which he finished in March, ‘Tai Chi Concepts: Hidden Strength, Natural Movement, and Timing.’ His website https://chuckrowtaichi.com has a wealth of excellently written articles and intriguing videos on a variety of topics that we have been exploring with great interest. His recent talk on nutrition, as also detailed in his articles, was especially fascinating to me. Along with offering valuable input and instruction whenever he can make it to our Friday MKY Chi Gung practice sessions, Robert has generously invited our members to his own classes, so please let us know if you are interested; we are all learning so much! Robert is a treasure trove of knowledge, skill and refined wisdom, having studied with the most accomplished Chi Gung and Tai Chi masters in the world, including those credited with first introducing and perpetuating the Asian martial arts for chi cultivation in the West. As a long-time physics professor and writer, Robert succinctly explains and demonstrates the subtle nuances of these techniques and reveals important insights, some of which have never before been elucidated in English. Robert teaches with grounded commonsense, delightful humor and an intriguing touch of mysticism. He emblazons his own bold signature on the ancient Taoist arts, as many of the great masters have done, and this has served to take my own practice and understanding to a whole new level. He continues to develop and progress these arts by combining concepts from physics, body work and movement traditions, synthesized with his unique, highly tuned process of inquiry. Robert brings the Taoist arts vividly alive for us by constantly emphasizing discovery and experimentation. His own tireless sense of wonder encourages us to explore new vistas of consciousness in every session. With characteristic enthusiasm, he models how to make the practice ever fresh, ever new, as we unlock the powerful flow of healing Chi in countless ways. Even if I live 300 years or more, I could never run out of new things to explore: That’s the secret Robert manages to impart. Each insight he shares goes far beyond the practice floor, and when applied comprehensively, leads to a strong life, well lived. As we endlessly explore and polish our practice, we polish our lives. Please join us in this fascinating process of self-discovery. ----- Savitri ![]() Kidd was my child, my friend, my Guru and the light of my life. Kitty’s passing from the physical plane has been so difficult. While it is human nature to worry and grieve, I have to wonder if my own extreme worry and grief is evidence of my attachment, my self-identification with outer appearances rather than right alignment with spiritual source. I was driven by my attachment to a certain outcome, driven by my fear of loss, fear for my dear loved one to be swallowed up by the great unknown - selfish fear of having to live without him. I was intensely uncomfortable with the feeling of being out of control! My attractions and aversions, my preferences, my strong impulse to control and muscle through every grueling hour drove me to exhaustion. I desperately tried to make things go the way I wanted them to go and not the way I didn’t want them to go. Through this ordeal, I have to confess that I lost my center as I lost my trust in the Divine order. For a full month, I feverishly tried to heal Kidd’s little body. I woke up nearly every hour of the night to check on him, his eyes invariably wide open, staring into Infinity. I would make sure his little chest was still rising and falling and offer him a dropper full of water, then try unsuccessfully to fall back asleep. I tried absolutely everything I could think of to heal him, I ordered natural supplements online almost every day, just sure that each one would help him turn the corner. I sought out the most brilliant, natural veterinarians who also fell in love with him, I made up complicated schedules and lamented when he didn’t respond the way I hoped he would. During this time, I tried to keep up with my meditations, to get some sleep. I tried to center myself in equanimity. But as August soldiered on, I got more and more taken out. I looked and felt like I’d fought seven wars in a row, SO weary. Was I fighting a war with God, with the world, unaccepting of the truth - that it was just Kidd’s time, not allowing reality to just be the way that it is? But I couldn’t seem to help myself. I knew I was totally losing my core of serenity day after day but found it harder and harder to stay peaceful, for even short intervals. It takes a certain kind of wise soul to be a caretaker for someone they love and stay sane, and I am not that wise it seems. My strong attachment to a certain outcome was the water I swam in day after day. Even though Kidd and I had eighteen glorious years together, my egotistical, perhaps selfish desire was that if I could just perform the right steps, administer the right elixirs, with just the right attitude of love, devotion and patience, that this amazing, purring bliss being would be returned to health so we could have more quality time together. Nothing wrong with trying one’s best, but somehow I secretly believed I could maneuver this desired outcome with pure willpower and forgot that desire and aversion is the root of all suffering. How worn my spirit became when things didn’t go my way! Instead of contemplating the impermanence of this mortal world, as I was trained to do through my many years as a Buddhist monk, I found myself driven relentlessly by my attachments and desires and ended up suffering intensely. Was it spiritual ego that kept telling me that I was praying for the best possible outcome, that I was trusting that Eternal Source is always directing everything with Divine intelligence - yet I grew so ragged! How desperate I was to control the relentless tide as it swept in and ravaged the body of my beautiful golden companion who had made life so sweet and beautiful for so many years! I finally have had to get real and admit that I was just saying the right spiritual things to myself while being totally identified with outer appearances and conditions. I had aligned with the objective world rather than the Divine Presence that is the soul’s foundation, which underlies all appearances and which gives birth to this whole manifest play of opposites. We do the very best we can for others, of course we do, but equanimity, serenity, grace and freedom dawns when we truly allow everything to be perfect just the way it is: This will be my deep contemplation for years to come. The intense crying and wailing that resounded through the house after Kidd finally passed from his wasted body eventually whispered softly in my ear, ‘Dear one, to love is so good, so pure. Your pain is the measure of your great love. Honor love in whatever form it takes, but at the same time, recognize that you got badly burned by not trusting in Divine order. Let your intense suffering show you how to stop playing with fire. Come home to the true self.’ |
Categories
All
|